Finding Your Blueprint

Life Coaching

Healthy Living

Your Guide to Healthy Self-Care

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“Keep taking time for yourself until you’re you again.” 

– Lalah Delia, Poet

From face masks, to meditation, #SelfCareSundays and #TreatYoSelf. Self-care is notably the biggest health trend of the last five years.

What is even greater than the simple acts of enjoyment are the conversations that have been created as a result of this push for “self-care.” The fact of the matter is, self-care is about more than skin care routines and splurges on dessert, it’s about taking time to readjust your way of thinking, reset your emotional and physical feelings, and take a moment to check-in with the deepest parts of you and learn to say “yes” to things/people/ideas that fuel you, and “no” to the things that do the opposite.

At the heart of creating healthy self-care habits, is finding what fuels ourselves and lets us feel rejuvenated so that we can continue to show-up, work hard and keep pushing.

Some of the most beneficial tips for embarking on this journey to including self-care techniques into your life include:

  • Learning to embrace every part of you along the journey and collecting growth opportunities that ask you to forgive, nurture and have hope. This is all about accepting your “flaws.” Your physical limitations, your mental or emotional boundaries, you name it. As you notice various aspects of your ‘self’ interact with others and your experiences, embrace all of your physical and mental self in every capacity and replace seeing “flaws” with seeing opportunities, uniqueness, and room for personal growth.
  • Learning to curate experiences, hobbies and relationships that align with your deepest values. Repeating the concept mentioned above, this focuses on learning to say “yes” to things/people/ideas that fuel you, and “no” to the things that do the opposite. Finding joy in embarking on hobbies, experiences and relationships that help you feel gratification and enjoyment and limiting those that leave you feel depleted physically and/or mentally.
  • Becoming more intentional and deliberate about what you take in, who you buy from, who you interact with, how you see yourself and how you use your resources. This takes the above two concepts to the next level and focuses on living with intention. It is founded on the idea of being mindful of the present and being wholeheartedly engaged in what is going on, where you are and who you are with while in the moment. When people or situations disappoint, this mindset requires you to assess the reality of the situation, revise your expectation accordingly and appreciate the uniqueness of the many facets that make up you, others and the situation.

How you decide to partake of the self-care movement is as unique as yourself, and your self-care techniques will help you direct your own course in ways that are meaningful to you.

Overcoming Negative Self-Talk

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More times than not, we can be either our own worst enemy or our biggest cheerleader. The way we talk to ourselves can impact every facet of our lives – from the way we think to the way we perceive the world. Studies even show that our thoughts also have a physical impact on our body and health.

When you experience the effects of negative thoughts – such as thoughts that create the emotional states of fear, anger, anxiety, guilt, shame, or regret, a few physical reactions and changes occur.

  • The muscles in your body actually become weaker.
  • Your stress levels go up.
  • You experience changes in your biochemistry and hormone levels, and you may even suffer from physical symptoms.

As a result, continuous internalized negativity can result in bouts of depression and leave you feeling less satisfied with life.

In contrast, when you experience positive thoughts, the brain is inundated with endorphins, which help you relax and leave you feeling more alert and centered. In addition, these endorphins and internal positivity can increase your experience of pleasure and reduce the sensation of physical pain. Thus, ongoing positivity and a healthy mindset can leave you feeling more confident, optimistic, motivated and content overall.

But for some people, shifting their negative thoughts to positive ones is easier said than done. For some, breaking a lifelong habit of seeing the bad in everything, or justifying that their negativity isn’t “being a pessimist,” but is merely their approach to “being a realist.” But in reality, all they’re doing is mentally sabotaging themselves and setting themselves up for a negative experience and mindset.

So how do you know if you’re in a negative self-talk cycle?

Start by learning how to notice when you’re being self-critical or caught up in negative self-talk so you can begin to stop.

Begin to listen to how you talk to yourself and how you talk to others. Do you focus on the negative and assume the worst? Are you constantly tearing yourself down? Do you think in terms of “always or never?” Do you assume you know what others are thinking without checking it out? Every time you catch yourself thinking a negative thought, say the words silently or out loud, “scratch that” and then shift your thought or comment into a positive thought instead.

Once you acknowledge that there is a pattern of negativity in your perception and thoughts, there are a number of ways to help shift your mindset to one that is healthy and helpful.

Accept that thoughts and feelings aren’t always realistic or factual. Thinking negative things about yourself may feel like astute observations, but your thoughts and feelings about yourself can definitely be considered inaccurate. Just like everyone else’s, your thoughts can be skewed and subject to biases and the influence of your moods.

Treat your inner critic as a character. There was once a Saturday Night Live character known as “Debbie Downer.” She would find the negative in any situation. If your inner critic has this dubious skill as well, you can tell yourself, “Debbie Downer is doing her thing again.”

When you think of your inner critic as a force outside of yourself and even give it a goofy nickname, it’s not only easier to realize how absurd some of your critical thoughts can be.

Don’t aim for a mindset of sunshine and rainbows, but rather neutrality. When engaging in negative self-talk, you may be able to catch yourself, but it can sometimes be difficult to force yourself to feel happy and positive and can even make you feel more down. Instead, work on changing the intensity of your language from one of negativity to one that is more neutral. “I can’t stand this” becomes, “This is challenging.” “I hate…” becomes, “I don’t like…” or even, “I don’t prefer…” When your self-talk uses gentle language, much of its negative power becomes muted as well.

Like all new habits, change takes time and effort. One of the best routes to combating negative self-talk is focusing on your intention to replace it with something better. As you work on the steps above, balance your negative thoughts with something encouraging or positive that’s accurate. If you find yourself saying “I can’t stand how overweight I am” follow it by saying something positive “I do love how my hair look” or “I’m excited to try a new daily walking routine.” If you catch yourself commenting “My job is stupid,” balance it with something like, “I enjoy being able to leave early on Fridays though,” or “I’m excited for the pension I’ll get when I retire.”

Repeat this process until you find yourself needing to do it less and less often. This works well with most bad habits and is a great way to develop a more positive way of thinking about yourself and about life.

Finding the Family-Career Balance

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“Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony.” 

– Thomas Merton, an American Trappist monk and Writer

Balancing a family and career is tricky for everyone. Each is important to us, and each requires demands on our time that, at times, require the other to take a back seat. Even if you work at home, this is just as true for you as it is for your counterparts back at the office.

When creating goals for establishing a family-career balance, it is important to remember that what works for some people does not necessarily work for others. It’s also important to note that one person’s idea of balance may not constitute anything remotely balanced from another person’s perspective. When establishing a work and personal schedule it’s important to take time to determine what type of balance you are looking for specifically and what the various elements of life and work are that require more balancing than others to find the mix that works best for you.

The basic elements in life that require the most balancing can be divided into two categories: internal and external.

Internal (Mind, Heart, Health)

  • Mind: Challenging yourself intellectually vs. creating opportunities for your mind to rest
  • Heart: Giving love vs. receiving love
  • Health: Eating, drinking, exercising properly vs. resting and treating yourself to some extra yummies

External (Work, Social, Family, Fun)

  • Work: Pushing yourself to achieve goals vs. seeing the bigger picture and enjoying the ride
  • Social: Satisfying your social desires vs. taking time for yourself
  • Family: Fulfilling your familial responsibilities vs. creating healthy boundaries
  • Fun: Allocating time for things you enjoy doing vs. making sure you don’t overdo it

You may find that when you focus on external things, like work, relationships, and activities, you end up paying very little attention to what is going on inside your heart and mind.

On the other hand, you may find that if you spend too much time being self-reflective, you sometimes miss out on the experience taking place around you.

Or you may find that you are able to remain fairly balanced between the internal and external elements in general, but want to balance out some specific aspects within each category.

Begin your journey to balance by identifying what aspects of internal and external elements in life you wish to focus on, make more time for, or slow down with and examine if there are certain elements you find yourself more drawn to.

Start small by planning tasks with a list of daily, weekly, and monthly undertakings and be aware when you begin to feel overwhelmed or pulled too much toward one element, so you can step back and adjust accordingly.

In addition to referring to the internal and external elements of life for balance follow some simple rules to keep the scale balanced on a day-to-day basis so you can focus more attention on certain elements as they need, without feeling overwhelmed.

  • Create and follow some ground rules. Drawing some boundaries around work is essential to creating a harmonious home life, especially when you work from home. Those who work at home will need to set some guidelines for themselves as well, so they can ensure that they are not working too little or too much, and avoiding distractions.
  • Work the right amount. Unfortunately, the “right” amount isn’t necessarily the amount you feel like working; it’s the amount of work that provides the financial, professional, and personal balance you seek. And sometimes it’s hard to know what that is. Keep your overall personal life and professional goals in mind as you set your work schedule or plan personal engagements.
  • Get organized. Create systems and routines to keep you organized both at home and at work. This might apply to business-related tasks such as tracking work projects and presentations or improving your time management, or it might mean setting up a system for communicating with your children’s school or creating a family calendar to keep track of everyone’s activities. It can take effort initially, to think out and implement different ways of keeping your life organized.

Cultivating Romance: The Key to Lasting Commitment

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People approach living life in different ways. Likewise, people approach romance and relationships differently. For many, romance is simply a physical attraction and sense of physical intimacy while it’s more a spiritual connection and understanding for another that grows from that first dinner date, to moving in and walking down the aisle together.

It’s hard to keep your head straight while in the throes of a brand-new relationship. It’s full of emotional intensity and potential hurt feelings. Even when things are going great, it’s important to take a deep breath and recognize your feelings and be honest about who you are, maintain your own friendships and interests.

Taking the step to live with another can be different in many ways. For some it’s no more complicated than the practicality of getting a roommate; for others it’s a way of making a commitment outside of a traditional marriage; for others, it’s the last stop before that walk down the aisle. Whatever it means to you, it’s important to have that conversation with your partner and establish open discussion about finances, division of property and assets, and homely expectations and preferences. Romantic stuff, right? Rest assured, as time passes and your relationship develops, you’ll enjoy the closeness that comes with increased trust and security and open communication.

What marriage is not, is a conclusion of a successful relationship journey. Most fairytales leave us with a carriage ride into the sunset and an assurance that “they lived happily ever after.” But marriage is really the beginning of a lifelong commitment to weather life’s storms side by side, and like any precious thing, marriage requires attention, loving and caring to thrive.

A healthy marriage is one where both partners can rest assured the other one is always going to be there for them, without taking each other for granted. In this sense, cultivating romance is the means of establishing open communication, trust and understanding through life’s ups and downs.

Every relationship is unique, and people come together for many different reasons. Part of what defines a healthy relationship is sharing a common goal for exactly what you want the relationship to be and where you want it to go. And that’s something you’ll only know by talking openly and honestly with your partner and trusting them with your needs. However, there are also some characteristics that most healthy relationships have in common.

  • Maintain a meaningful emotional connection with each other.Take time to make the other feel loved and emotionally fulfilled. There’s a difference between being loved and feeling  When you feel loved, it makes you feel accepted and valued by your partner. Some relationships get stuck in peaceful coexistence, but without feeling loved, a relationship can lose a sense of the emotional connection that was once there.
  • Don’t be afraid of respectful disagreement.Regardless of how perfect “The One” is, there will come a time when you may not see eye to eye on something. Some couples talk things out quietly, while others may raise their voices and passionately disagree. The key to these situations is two-fold: to not be fearful of conflict and to be able to resolve conflict without humiliation, degradation, or placing blame in an effort to be right.
  • Keep your outside relationships and interests alive.Despite the claims of romantic fiction or movies, no one person can meet all of your needs. In fact, expecting too much from your partner can put unhealthy pressure on a relationship. To stimulate and enrich your romantic relationship, it’s important to sustain your own identity outside of the relationship, preserve connections with family and friends, and maintain your hobbies and interests.
  • Commit to spending some quality time together on a regular basis. No matter how busy you are, make it a point to take a few minutes each day to put aside your electronic devices, stop thinking about other things, and focus and connect with your partner. This could be enjoying nice conversation over dinner, finding something new to do together, or simply relishing in a mid-day coffee date together. Whatever it is, be sure to have fun together without distraction.
  • Communicate openly and honestly.Good communication is a key part of any relationship. When both people know what they want from the relationship and feel comfortable expressing their needs, fears, and desires, it can increase trust and strengthen the bond between.

While there are many aspects of romance and relationships, if you continue to look and listen to your loved one in the same attentive ways as you did when you were first dating and falling in love, you can sustain a romance and blossom from falling in love to staying in love.

 

3 Tips for Creating a Budget Blueprint

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When it comes to setting regular routines, healthy eating and exercise goals are the most common that come to most peoples’ mind, but if you’ve checked your bank account and credit cards lately and though… oh no, you aren’t alone. For many individuals and couples, creating budget goals and spending/investing routines can be the key to getting out of debt, paying off loans and creating financial stability that allows for future saving and investing opportunities.

Here are three easy every day habits you can begin to help create a budget for your household that you can work with to meet your financial goals.

1. Make getting rid of debt a priority. For most Americans, handing out a credit card when funds are short can be an easy habit, but when it comes to paying them all off, that’s where the habit gets tricky.

According to the Federal Reserve’s April 2019 report on consumer credit, the average credit card debt is approximately $5,673 per United States adult with a credit card, and personal loans are becoming the fastest-growing form of consumer lending in the U.S., growing 19.2% in quarter one of 2019 according to a recent Transunion consumer report.

If you have debt, whether in credit card debt or personal loans, paying these down and even removing them completely should be a top priority before they start accumulating too much interest and spiraling out of control.

There are a couple of different ways you can pay off your debt effectively and faster such as paying off more than the minimum payment each month. Doing so will not only help you save on interest throughout the life of your loan or credit limits, but it will also speed up the payoff process.

2. Create a savings plan for holidays and special occasions. If you’ve ever used credit cards when you were out shopping for the holidays or celebrating special occasions, then you are probably aware of how quickly your balance can become an overwhelming figure, or how your savings can take an unwanted hit that takes months to recover from. To avoid this type of holiday financial hit, start saving now.

While it may seem silly to start saving for the holiday season in January, or for a Spring wedding, or summer birthday in November, if you start now and put away only $10 or $20 a month or per paycheck, over the course of six months you’ll be able to save money to spend on gifts or other holiday or celebration expenses that won’t hurt your day-to-day finances.

To decide how long you should save, sit down and create a budget you’d like to set for yourself for various occasions throughout the year and determine how much money per month or paycheck you want to put toward that holiday or occasion to determine when you should start saving.

3. Only spend money on the essentials. This can be tricky. It means being able to separate a ‘want’ purchase from a ‘need’ purchase. This can mean that for the next few months you’ll stop going out to eat, buying new clothes, reaching for the extra unnecessary groceries, or otherwise spending frivolously.

Begin by creating a realistic shopping list and account for the basic monthly expenses and try to only spend money on what you absolutely have to – rent, groceries, utilities, etc. so that you don’t have to dig yourself into a deeper hole.

Of course, that doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to have fun or do anything for entertainment. Just try to find activities or events that are free or create a saving plan over the course of a few months to give you a manageable budget to enjoy without having to sacrifice the necessity down the road or go into debt to cover the needed expenses.

Additionally, as you stick to a limited budget, if you still have money left over after paying off your monthly necessary expenses you can put some into your emergency fund, retirement accounts or into a savings account, to get closer to your savings goals.